I should probably caveat this to begin with by saying that I don’t hate my skin tone, or anyone else’s – far from it, I just enjoy a little light-hearted whinging, so here goes…
1. Lightest shade of foundation/concealer still too dark.
I kid you not. I’ve had this problem in MAC before. I wanted their Pro Longwear concealer and NW15 was apparently the lightest shade they did (although I’m sure I’ve seen NW10 since..!) but I had to actually change to their Select Cover Up concealer as the consistency was different and just so happened to be ever so slightly lighter. What a palava, seriously.
2. Burning like a mother trucker.
Yup. direct sunlight for more than about 20-30 mins means that I will burn. Fact. No matter how much I refuse to believe it. And that’s just in England, if I go abroad I just don’t even step outside without 5 layers of sunblock on. Which leads me nicely to my next point…
3. Layering sunblock on like a child.
Remember when your mum used to smother you in sunblock as a kid? Well that’s basically my life, except obviously I’m putting it on myself, not making my mum do it! I tend to go for factor 25-30 in England if I’m just in and out of the sun, and then factor 30-40 if I’m directly in it, then at least factor 40-50 if I go abroad. Oh joy.
4. Having to sit in the shade like a vampire.
My friend Lucy and I are often called the vampires of the group, gravitating to the nearest shade when everyone else is trying to find any sliver of sun they possibly can. Don’t mind us, we’ll sit and drink our blood in the comfort of the shade. Oh if only the problem was that I sparkled like Edward Cullen. Sigh.
5. “Wow, you’re so pale!”
Why do people think this is something worthwhile saying?! My ex’s dad used to say this all the time, probably because he was so frickin brown all the time – bastard. He was actually a lovely guy, but just couldn’t get past mentioning how pale I was at any chance he got… erm, thanks?!
6. Blending into the sand.
You’ve all seen this picture before, well that’s basically me. I don’t even bother going to the beach anymore, I mean what’s the point..!?
7. Fake tan.
If I want to look even an off-white, I have to fake it. And we all know how much effort fake tan is. I went through a huge phase at uni of using fake tan every day, but I mean, who’s got time for that now?! Certainly not me, plus I don’t particularly want my nice bedding to be covered in fake tan stains either. Bleurgh.
8. Blinding other people with the whiteness of your skin.
Okay, so this isn’t strictly true, although when I was at college my friend Hannah and I were sure that’s what happened when we got our legs out…!
9. The inability to wear white or neon.
Well, I totally wear white, but just not full white – or else all you would be able to see is my hair and eyebrows! And we all know neon colours look better with a tan – bang go those pretty Triangl bikinis for the summer. Sob.
10. Tanned skin makes you look slimmer.
Darker colours are more slimming. Fact. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m fat, just that someone the same size as me but tanned will inevitably look a wee bit slimmer. Waaaah.